The first is about how one of the best parts of a vacation is the anticipation of it. And with summer solstice just having happened we have lots of daylight to help us enjoy it.

The second is about the recent Hold Me Tight: A Transformational Weekend Retreat for Couples held with seven couples held in Calgary, May 13 – 15, 2016 and an invitation to attend the Canmore mountain get away Hold Me Tight in the fall, October 21 – 23, 2016.

Rejuvenate!

Well, here we are in the first couple of days of official summer. The longer days are so delicious. We’re on the cusp of possibility. The summer is ahead. What sort of plans do you have for your summer? Is it a stay at home and enjoy what your community has to offer? Is it a holiday somewhere new to  have a new experience? Or a family get together ? Whatever you decide or have already decided I wish you a fun, relaxing and rejuvenating time! I came across this article that talks about the planning and anticipation part of the vacation process tends to give the largest boost of happiness. I’m thinking that being aware of that we can all put our attention and intention to enjoying all aspects of the vacation experience, before, during and once you return home.

Hold Me Tight Retreat in Calgary Rocks!

From May 13 to 15, seven  wonderful, courageous, open and  couples got together for Hold Me Tight: A Transformational Retreat for Couples in Calgary with facilitators, Patricia Lavelle, Psychologist and Mel Sanford, Psychologist & Certified Sex Therapist.  This is the third time it’s been held in Calgary, with the first one occurring just a year earlier.

Here’s what some of the couples had to say:

Below a few comments about what couples found most useful, what they got from the retreat and their recommendation to others considering attendance.

I hope these will inspire you to attend our upcoming Mountain Get Away Hold Me Tight: A Transformational Weekend Retreat for Couples in Canmore, Alberta on October 21 – 23, 2016.

What did you find most useful about the retreat?

• The opportunity to have some personal relationships- based important conversations with my spouse but in a safe, supportive environment. This was a much needed  conversation and the handouts are nice to have as a hard-copy.
• Having the conversations with my partner after learning about the topic. I also found that breaking down the relationship dance extremely useful. I really liked the videos – seeing others was validating for me and useful.
• Realizing that our challenges are not unique, they are normal and there is a solution. Building the four cornerstones and then the hold me tight conversation has completely changed how we communicate.

Overall did you get the outcomes you were hoping for?

• Yes. I feel we are on a good path and even further ahead than I thought we would be
• Yes, in many different ways but mainly allowed us to reconnect in a deeper and more meaningful way
• I got more than I was hoping for
• Time will tell, but we are leaving here feeling like we got the outcomes we were looking for, but also got far more than we expected to get. We both feel like new people
• Yes
• Yes and more so!
• More than I expected. I believe for us there was healing and increased understanding. We have been to many “workshops, retreat” and read a lot but never got to the place of identifying the hurt and the “crazy cycle” in our life
• Yes. I think it was helpful that we had some prior attachment therapy sessions.
• Yes
• I was happy to be exposed to the process and begin using each step. Very happy to have done this
• Yes – A deeper understanding-Tools-Hope
• Far exceeded my expectations

Would you recommend this program to others?

• yes strongly recommend to do it before the situation becomes too grand and big. Bridge the gap before it becomes a chasm and this program will guide you in this
• Yes! I already plan on mailing the book to my cousin
• I would recommend that not taking the course is a bad idea. Every couple should take this course
• Yes
• Absolutely! Would like to see a refresher to take it to Level Two! (more)
• Absolutely – Yes
• Yes, I great starting workshops (this is what was there; not sure what meant)
• Definitely, A good enhancer for even good marital relationships
• Absolutely
• Yes, definitely

Journalling

So with this in mind, I wanted to share with you a particular tool that can be helpful in sorting through many things in your life, that of writing, short journaling practices aimed at alleviating stress and improving your day to day life when difficult circumstances arise. The two are writing for 20 minutes on four consecutive days to write about something bothering you and the SFD, the shitty first draft.

James Pennebaker, social psychologist  and Centennial Liberal Arts Professor of Psychology at the University of  Texas, has  done research on the expressive writing method for emotional well being. Over the past 20 years, he has given the simple assignment for his research for people to journal on four consecutive days on a life challenge, trauma or upheaval.

Improved Health

The results show improved health in a variety of areas. Here is further information on this simple, yet impactful approach.

Brene Brown, scholar, author, and public speaker is currently a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. In her book Rising Strong: The Reckoning, the Rumble, the Revolution she a practice when difficult “face down in the dirt” situations arise. You know the kind of situations that set us back, have us questioning ourselves and make us feel unworthy, out of control and helpless to move forward

She calls it the “Shitty first draft”, (SFD). The SFD is first thoughts, feelings, self talk that occur when we are hurt, angry, embarrassed or ashamed and want to seclude, avoid, get away from the situation or turn and fight in an unproductive way.

Just write!

You take those initial reactions and write a short paragraph outlining those inside, deep feelings and negative thoughts in an uncensored way. The act of writing this down allows you to validate, see and accept that these thoughts are present.  It is not something anyone else needs to see. So the next time you feel a setback in your life stop and write down that SFD. It is a really great way to start moving forward.  Then you can do the rewrites to change your view of the situation over time.

I invite you try either the SFD, a short paragraph that no one else will see or the four day writing on a challenging area in your life to discover what happens.

Here is a link to writing methods for emotional well being. Go ahead and click the photo, it will take you there.

With something as big and life changing as the Fort McMurray fires, these practices are starting points, something you might use regularly to help yourself process what you are going through. The research shows positive impact of such practices.

But while we may acknowledge gratitude’s many benefits, it still can be difficult to sustain. So many of us are trained to notice what is broken, undone or lacking in our lives. And for gratitude to meet its full healing potential in our lives, it needs to become more than just a Thanksgiving word. We have to learn a new way of looking at things, a new habit. And that can take some time.

That’s why practicing gratitude makes so much sense. When we practice giving thanks for all we have, instead of complaining about what we lack, we give ourselves the chance to see all of life as an opportunity and a blessing.

Remember that gratitude isn’t a blindly optimistic approach in which the bad things in life are whitewashed or ignored. It’s more a matter of where we put our focus and attention. Pain and injustice exist in this world, but when we focus on the gifts of life, we gain a feeling of well-being. Gratitude balances us and gives us hope.

There are many things to be grateful for: colorful autumn leaves, legs that work, friends who listen and really hear, chocolate, fresh eggs, warm jackets, tomatoes, the ability to read, roses, our health, butterflies.

What’s on your list?

Some Ways to Practice Gratitude

• Keep a gratitude journal in which you list things for which you are thankful. You can make daily, weekly or monthly lists. Greater frequency may be better for creating a new habit, but just keeping that journal where you can see it will remind you to think in a grateful way.
• Make a gratitude collage by drawing or pasting pictures.
• Practice gratitude around the dinner table or make it part of your nighttime routine.
• Make a game of finding the hidden blessing in a challenging situation.
• When you feel like complaining, make a gratitude list instead. You may be amazed by how much better you feel.
• Notice how gratitude is impacting your life. Write about it, sing about it, express thanks for gratitude.

As you practice, an inner shift begins to occur, and you may be delighted to discover how content and hopeful you are feeling. That sense of fulfillment is gratitude at work.

Check out the following 2 articles.

 Author’s content used with permission, © Claire Communications.

John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist, formulated the theory of attachment. What he found was the quality of the connection to loved ones is a key to an individual’s development and habitual ways of connecting emotionally with others.

Dr. Sue Johnson, Canadian Researcher and Clinical Psychologist, in her ground breaking work in adult attachment in couple relationships states in her book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, “We need emotional attachments with a few irreplaceable others to be physically and mentally healthy – survive.” Contrary to the popular notion that we need to be independent individuals,

Dr. Johnson further explains that we need these kinds of positive emotional connections “from cradle to grave”. Where else might we need to have that kind of attachment relationship more than in our primary couple relationship?

Here’s some information on how the fear of loss of emotional connection drives repetitive arguments in relationships and how to take steps to identify and stop them, as well as how to regain emotional closeness when it is lost.

Does your relationship have repetitive, non resolveable arguments that you would like to change?

Alberta Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. He also said that you can’t solve the problem at the level at which the problem was created. One area where this plays itself out frequently is in the repetitive arguments in relationships. These go on and on without resolution, ending up in cycles of frustration, disconnection and divorce. In this email we will look at why this is the case and what you can do right now to start a new pattern with new outcomes and a closer emotional bond with your significant other.

Why do patterns of argument arise in relationships?

According to the Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), our relationship difficulties stem from how we react to our partner not being Accessible, Responsive and Engaged (A.R.E.) with us. These three elements tend to underlay most arguments that do not get resolved in relationships. They pose the questions, Are you there for me? Will you respond to me? Will you engage with me? When these are present most of the time or can be achieved, a secure relationship is the result. When these three elements are not present, relating to the other is like knocking on a door, getting no response and knocking harder, trying the door handle and the door being locked or barred from the other side. Finally we give up in frustration, anger and resentment. This pattern then can take over your relationship leading to further disconnection, disillusionment and even divorce.

How does attachment work in relationships and disagreements?

The evidence based EFT approach is based on an adult theory of love stemming from John Bowlby’s research on attachment in individuals and researched by Dr. Sue Johnson, Researcher and Clinical Psychologist who has pioneered the evidence based EFT with couples.

The main part to understand is that our closest relationships are attachment based. There are four kinds of attachment, secure, anxious, avoidant and anxious avoidant which originate in childhood relationships with our parents. Since our closest relationships often mimic patterns instilled in childhood, many of us will revert to those early underpinnings to cope with the stress of not being able to connect with our loved one, much like a child will react when parental support and love are unavailable. If our attachment base was built on A.R.E. and is mostly secure, we will be able to cope and repair the disconnection easily and resume the previous close connection. When the attachment base was anxious, avoidant or both, problems can arise. As many of us did not receive secure attachment with our parents in childhood this can present relationship challenges that become increasingly difficult to change in a pattern that leads to further disconnection.

What does attachment mean for you in relationship?

It means that you are fighting for emotional connection with your close other when there is conflict. Most people tend to do this one of two ways, by pursuing, protesting the disconnection or by avoiding, preserving the relationship. The irony of this is the way we tend to try to manage conflict and emotional disconnection can feed into the other’s fears and vulnerabilities, creating the very disconnection we are trying to avoid.

What can I do?

The important first step is to notice when you are starting to feel the disconnection and what you are thinking, feeling and doing. Second, stop and look at your part. Identify what you are thnking, feeling and doing when you are upset or triggered into reaction by your partner. Thirdly, take ownership of what you are doing that is trying to pull or push the other into the disconnection. Fourthly, try something different.

If you are a person who reacts to your partner’s withdrawal by criticizing, complaining or cajoling, try stepping back, allowing yourself to calm down and come back to the disagreement in a few minutes. It can be helpful to have an agreed upon length of time discussed with your partner, preferably prior to the struggle in a time of calm.

If you tend to react to your partner’s pursuing for discussion by withdrawal, try staying present to hear what is being said or give yourself some time to calm down and return to the disagreement when both of you are calm. Try this for the next two weeks and notice what is different both in you quality of connectedness to your partner, and what happens differently in your disagreements.

As a bonus suggestion, to bolster the positives in your relationship and increase the secure attachment, notice and let your partner know the things that they are doing well or what you like about them. According to John Gottman, professor emeritus at University of Washington and researcher in couple relationships, it takes five positives to neutralize the effect of one negative.

This link is to a beautiful example of the basis for secure attachment in a child, that would translate to a securely attached adult. Imagine yourself being soothed by yourself or another to stop crying as with this child.

What would happen for you if you could be calmed this way in your relationship?