The first is about how one of the best parts of a vacation is the anticipation of it. And with summer solstice just having happened we have lots of daylight to help us enjoy it.

The second is about the recent Hold Me Tight: A Transformational Weekend Retreat for Couples held with seven couples held in Calgary, May 13 – 15, 2016 and an invitation to attend the Canmore mountain get away Hold Me Tight in the fall, October 21 – 23, 2016.

Rejuvenate!

Well, here we are in the first couple of days of official summer. The longer days are so delicious. We’re on the cusp of possibility. The summer is ahead. What sort of plans do you have for your summer? Is it a stay at home and enjoy what your community has to offer? Is it a holiday somewhere new to  have a new experience? Or a family get together ? Whatever you decide or have already decided I wish you a fun, relaxing and rejuvenating time! I came across this article that talks about the planning and anticipation part of the vacation process tends to give the largest boost of happiness. I’m thinking that being aware of that we can all put our attention and intention to enjoying all aspects of the vacation experience, before, during and once you return home.

Hold Me Tight Retreat in Calgary Rocks!

From May 13 to 15, seven  wonderful, courageous, open and  couples got together for Hold Me Tight: A Transformational Retreat for Couples in Calgary with facilitators, Patricia Lavelle, Psychologist and Mel Sanford, Psychologist & Certified Sex Therapist.  This is the third time it’s been held in Calgary, with the first one occurring just a year earlier.

Here’s what some of the couples had to say:

Below a few comments about what couples found most useful, what they got from the retreat and their recommendation to others considering attendance.

I hope these will inspire you to attend our upcoming Mountain Get Away Hold Me Tight: A Transformational Weekend Retreat for Couples in Canmore, Alberta on October 21 – 23, 2016.

What did you find most useful about the retreat?

• The opportunity to have some personal relationships- based important conversations with my spouse but in a safe, supportive environment. This was a much needed  conversation and the handouts are nice to have as a hard-copy.
• Having the conversations with my partner after learning about the topic. I also found that breaking down the relationship dance extremely useful. I really liked the videos – seeing others was validating for me and useful.
• Realizing that our challenges are not unique, they are normal and there is a solution. Building the four cornerstones and then the hold me tight conversation has completely changed how we communicate.

Overall did you get the outcomes you were hoping for?

• Yes. I feel we are on a good path and even further ahead than I thought we would be
• Yes, in many different ways but mainly allowed us to reconnect in a deeper and more meaningful way
• I got more than I was hoping for
• Time will tell, but we are leaving here feeling like we got the outcomes we were looking for, but also got far more than we expected to get. We both feel like new people
• Yes
• Yes and more so!
• More than I expected. I believe for us there was healing and increased understanding. We have been to many “workshops, retreat” and read a lot but never got to the place of identifying the hurt and the “crazy cycle” in our life
• Yes. I think it was helpful that we had some prior attachment therapy sessions.
• Yes
• I was happy to be exposed to the process and begin using each step. Very happy to have done this
• Yes – A deeper understanding-Tools-Hope
• Far exceeded my expectations

Would you recommend this program to others?

• yes strongly recommend to do it before the situation becomes too grand and big. Bridge the gap before it becomes a chasm and this program will guide you in this
• Yes! I already plan on mailing the book to my cousin
• I would recommend that not taking the course is a bad idea. Every couple should take this course
• Yes
• Absolutely! Would like to see a refresher to take it to Level Two! (more)
• Absolutely – Yes
• Yes, I great starting workshops (this is what was there; not sure what meant)
• Definitely, A good enhancer for even good marital relationships
• Absolutely
• Yes, definitely

The major elements of self awareness are:

1. Your ability to recognize your own emotions
2. Self confidence
3. Sureness about your worth and capabilities

What we know about emotional awareness is that it is a process. It involves thoughts, feelings and actions. Here is a Three step Process To Recognize Your Emotions. or increasing your ability to recognize your own emotions.

1. THINK. Identify what thoughts are going on inside your head. Often the thoughts that might be difficult to notice at first, but when looked for, tend to fuel the emotional process, positively and/or negatively. For example when we feel hurt or anger, we might be are thinking badly about the person who is the source of our pain and and we might be chastising ourselves for getting into the situation. Picture if you are getting down on yourself how this could make your feelings worse. It might surprise you to know that from a physiological perspective our emotional reactions last only 90 seconds, so what adds to things continuing past this point is the thinking about it that goes on.
2. FEEL. First notice in your body where the emotion locates itself. Is it in your stomach? Heart? Chest? Head? What word most accurately describes your emotion? Using words to describe our emotions increases our awareness and allows us to take steps to address the situation effectively. If we don’t’ know what we are feeling, we cannot adequately and appropriately respond to the situation.
3. ACT. What then do you do about what you are thinking and feeling? For example when you are hurt, you’re thinking negatively about the other person and you are wondering why you are in the situation, you might go silent and walk away or you may stay and argue.

The next time you are feeling something strongly, use this three step process to assist you in becoming more self aware, the first domain of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Writing down your three steps can further develop your skill of self awareness.

How to Think, Feel and Act in your relationship

Self awareness is a first step to increasing emotional connection in your relationship Take this quiz to see how Accessible, Responsive and Engaged you are in your relationship.

STEP 1. Prepare.

Notice your thoughts. Ask yourself, Would I like to be able to have choice about when they come up and when they can be set aside? Am I willing to invest short periods of time before I go to sleep, when I wake up and a few times throughout the day to instill a new, effective practice in my life?

It is helpful to say yes to these questions before taking the next step.

STEP 2. Think of a container.

If you have noticed how much your thoughts crowd in and you are willing to try something different with a small investment of time, then I ask you to think of a container, something that is real, but is out of your everyday attention. The container can be large or small and must have a method of closing.

Some ideas include a conference room with a door that can be shut, a safe, an attic with a latching door or a storage facility . Pick something that is relevant to you, but out of sight of daily awareness so that you are not continually reminded of what you are setting aside.

STEP 3. Imagine the container and let thoughts slip over to the container.

This is the part that takes some practice, but is also the fun part. In your mind select something that you wish to move over to your container. Or simply say to yourself let all the thoughts past, present and future that are not needed right now slide over, flow over or slip into your container. You might even thing of cradling the thought or feeling lovingly as you might a close friend, your child or partner and gently let it move over or be carried to the container and place it easily in it.

The key here is not to engage your thinking that says I’ll just put this over, shove it over or kick it over. While it is natural to want to get rid of troubling thoughts, this method simply of trying too hard aggravates them. The gentler imaginative process engages the creative right hemisphere that just lets it happen. Wait a little to see them easily move into the container. Some people visualize and see them moving over, while others feel it, sense it or get a sensation of relaxation or inner warmth as it slides over.

What is your experience?

Landmark study shows that Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help couples understand their relationship better, reduce conflicts AND create secure, loving bonds that can soothe brains.”

• A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook ~ Bob Stahl (Author), Elisha Goldstein
• Managing Pain Before It Manages You ~ Margaret A. Caudill MD PhD MPH (Author) Guilford Press.1995
• Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness ~ Jon Kabat-Zinn (Author)
• Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ~ Steven C. Hayes (Author), Spencer Smith (Author)
• ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ~ Russ Harris (Author)
• Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything ~ Geneen Roth (Author)
• Modern Buddhism: The Path of Compassion and Wisdom ~ Geshe Kelsang Gyatso (Author)

Recommended Links
Below are some links to useful websites regarding managing chronic pain, EMDR, mindfulness, the Psychologists Association of Alberta, the College of Alberta Psychologists

• www.chronicpaincanada.com
• www.emdrcanada.org
• www.emdria.org
• www.emdr-therapy.com
• www.psychologistsassociation.ab.ca
• www.cap.ab.ca
• www.mindfulnesstapes.com

In contrast to the idyllic picture above, Mother Nature has served up record snowfalls this past winter (I’m a skier so I love them for the most part, but many do not) leading to record road closures outside Revelstoke, BC, rainfalls in the form of the worst floods in years in Manitoba, the terrible tsunami effects in Japan and fires burning down whole neighborhoods in Slave Lake, Alberta, not to mention the simply horrid spring that was really winter in disguise in the Bow Valley. So how do you cope with these vicious swings in something that affects all of us and that is completely out of our control to change?

Weather is one of those things that is talked about a lot and creates a great deal of negativity. Most of us do not have the option to relocate to a more stable, warm and welcoming climate. I even read somewhere on the internet that if Canadians did not have the weather to talk about, they would not have anything to talk about. So what to do? Think about it for yourself… How many conversations that you have with others revolve around the weather, good or bad? That’s a fair amount of time spent on something over which we have no control and yet impacts each one of us so significantly.

Here are some do’s for coping better with the uncontrollable events in our lives, such as the weather and natural disasters that have occurred in this past few months.

• Do identify what you do and do not have control over in such situations; most often all you have control over is how you  think, feel and act about the situation. To quote Henry Ford “If you think you can or think that you cannot, you areright”, meaning our thoughts about a situation can determine the outcome.
• Do realize that it is normal and natural to feel badly about  things outside your control. If, however, you dwell on this and start blaming the outside factors  for your feelings and thoughts, or dwell on negative thoughts and feelings, your life can become more difficult.
• Do realize that there is nothing that you can do about the weather. You can look at your own attitude and decide if your present attitude, thoughts and feelings arehelpful to you. You can make the deliberate change  to have more helpful thoughts, feelings and actions. These might include doing an enjoyable activity, spending time with friends or family. To help with the shift, take a five minute belly breathing session or simply place the image of a big STOP sign in your mind, followed by shifting to something different.
• Do make  a list of things that you like to think, see, do and play at so that whendifficult external situations arise you canrefocus  your energies in  a more positive direction and  feel better about yourself.
• Do what you can do with things such as naturaldisasters. You can donate money, time, old clothing and send positive thoughtsto the location.
• Do focus on what you are thankful for in yourlife and live according to what is important to you. You can refocus yourenergies on things over which you exert influence.
• Do look into using a SAD (Seasonal AffectiveDisorder) light as the sun heads south after June 21 in the northern hemisphereif you experience low energy, irritability, negative thought patterns andchanges in your sleep patterns as the summer progresses and fall approaches.

In sum, do put your energies where they will have the most positive effect for you. Choose this direction and refrain from focusing on things over which you have no control.

EMDR is an acronym that stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is also known as eye movement therapy or accelerated processing. In 1987, Dr. Francine Shapiro made a chance discovery that has been developed over the years into an effective mainstream treatment option based in research on posttraumatic stress and endorsed by the American Psychological Association.

EMDR is a brain based approach for reprocessing disturbing emotional content from immediate memory to long term memory. EMDR involves an eight step standardized procedure. It starts with a thorough history taking with a focus on early trauma that might be connected with the present difficulty. Once the background information is taken and the targets for reprocessing are identified in conjunction with you, there is less talking involved than with a traditional counselling approach.

At this point the focus is on becoming aware of how and where your feelings, worries and anxieties locate themselves in your body. By focusing both on the your body sensation and eye movements the emotional response tends to be reduced. The focussing activates both sides of your brain and is done either by watching a pen moved from side to side in your field of vision, or you holding a tapping device which produces physical sensations in each hand or side of the body. The actual brain reprocessing activates the components of your disturbing memory or memories which negatively impact(s) your life. Once the processing is completed, the difficult memory or “in your face” emotion is more like a postage stamp memory, rather than a large picture right in front of your eyes. The number of sessions you might require depends upon your particular circumstances, personal history and present coping mechanisms. It is a process that is completely under your control and there is no way to do it wrongly. It is suitable for all ages.

EMDR is a process not a technique. It unfolds according to your individual needs, history, emotional resources and issues. It assists in the development of the individual in the context of the therapeutic relationship with the counsellor. EMDR is applicable to addressing many areas of difficulty you experience such as depression, anxiety, anger, addictions, chronic pain, and early childhood trauma, including physical and sexual abuse. It is also helpful in reducing or eliminating barriers to best performance in sports, public speaking, self confidence and effective work and task completion.

For example, if you witness or are involved in a car accident, it is natural to have disturbing memories, perhaps difficulty sleeping and nightmares, odd body sensations and emotional reactivity. If these last longer than three to four weeks, EMDR can be helpful for you to reduce these interferences in your daily life and regain calmness and improved day to day functioning.

I remember when I was about twelve years old, I saw an older woman, crossing a busy street, struck down with a front end loader. I was very upset. Because my family was not the type to have discussions about feelings, or perhaps I was simply too shocked to say anything at the time, I only came to terms with it through the use of EMDR as an adult. I have been able to let go of my guilt about not saying or doing anything about the situation at the time. In freeing up this memory and the emotional entanglement, I feel more at ease about the situation and understanding that as a child I would not have known what to do and that it was not my fault.

If you are interested in this approach please contact me. For further information, you can google EMDR or go to www.emdria.org or www.emdr.ca .

Today I will address what makes a successful relationship as outlined in Dr. John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. The information and approach can be beneficial to you in learning about the things you are doing well in your relationship and what needs improvement. I use the Gottman approach in couples’ work and the book is an excellent resource. I am going to give you a taste of the book and the approach.

The approach is research based, a first in the marital/couple therapy. Dr. Gottman discovered that there are distinct behaviors in couples who have a good relationship and those who have a poor relationship. Further, based upon these observations he compiled the information into seven principles, with two overarching themes. With these categories, Dr. Gottman could predict with 91% accuracy those couples who would stay together and those who would not stay together. It was an astonishing finding, which he then developed into strategies for relationship improvement, the content of the book and an effective approach for therapists to use in their practices. Not only did Dr.

Not only did Dr. Gottman debunk some myths about successful couples relationships, he also identified two areas to cover as the bases of a successful couples relationships and the single most corrosive characteristic leading to separation and divorce. For example one of the myths about successful relationships is that there are few if any arguments and that arguments are bad for the relationship. In contrast to this prevailing belief, he found that “even happily married couples can have screaming matches and loud arguments do not necessarily harm a marriage”. The two areas that are the basis of a successful relationship are : 1. The friendship between you and your spouse or partner; and 2. The ability of you and your partner to deal effectively with the inevitable conflict that arises in relationships over the mid and longer terms. The single most corrosive aspect of a relationship is contempt between the individuals, meaning the tendency to look down upon each other as less than oneself.

Dr. Gottman further broke down the two areas into seven principles as follows:

Principle #1. Enhance your love maps.
Principle #2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.
Principle #3. Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away.
Principle #4. Let Your Partner Influence You.
Principle #5. Solve Your Solvable Problems.
Principle #6. Overcome Gridlock.
Principle #7. Create Shared Meaning.

In each of the seven principles, Dr. Gottman gives explicit ways to help enhance the relationship and deal with the conflict. The friendship is enhanced by showing ongoing knowledge of and interest in the other person’s life, activities and work, catching your spouse doing positive things that you like and reminding yourself of his or her good qualities and being willing to connect with one another. The ability to address conflict effectively is enhanced by both partners being willing to be influenced by one another. As well, it is important for the couple to identify problems that are perpetual and unsolvable in the relationship, such as personality, preferences and family issues and and focus on solveable problems or things that can be changed. Each of the seven principles has a chapter of insights and exercises to learn and apply the strategies for improvement.

The book is a useful adjunct to any relationship and couples counselling. I hope this taste of “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman will inspire you to read the book to achieve a more successful relationship. It is available online at www.amazon.ca; www.gottmaninstitute.com; or check at your local library.

The process of writing and honing material for the website was a challenge, both positively and negatively.  My great website designer, Norja Vanderelst of Colour Infusion Web Design, was infinitely patient and had good humour with my careful, measured speed toward the process. That means I took a long time to write the content by virtue of putting it off and then had several rewrites. My friends Dr. Matt Graham and Kelly Green did the critique for me… And they’re still friends. Lol. It was overwhelming at times to figure out what to include so that it could be most helpful to you in deciding if my counselling services fit your needs. In the end, it was rewarding to go through the process.  I highly recommend it. And have Norja do a website for you and with you.

I have my practice both in Canmore and Calgary.

In Canmore: my practice is on Thursday evenings and Saturdays during the day at Ridgeview Medical Centre.

I am in Calgary on Wednesdays all day at Bow Valley Counselling and Mediation on the Second Floor, Suite  200,  2120 Kensington Road. I hope to meet you sometime. Now that the commercial is over I do have some thoughts to share about having a positive family or couple or friend holiday this summer… that is if we ever see some warm weather.

For this first information blog, I have some thoughts to share about summer vacations away from home and four ways to improve your chances of having an enjoyable time, free of meltdowns and/or relationship difficulties.

To make the most of your holiday time, in your planning include thoughts about how you will deal with spending more time together with family, friends, spouses and partners. This can be difficult because we all have the tendency to think that if we have a change of scenery, things with our relationships will improve automatically. This is not necessarily going to happen. I think one of the things that people can avoid planning for in their vacation time is the relationship matters that will come up during that time.

To have you have the best experience possible in your time away from your regular routine I have the following four tips:

1. Identify any relationship difficulties you are having currently and either clear them up prior to leaving on vacation or make time for talking about them while away.
2. Remember that it is possible to get too much of one another no matter how much you love and enjoy one another. Take some time to think about your trip, the amount of together time it will entail and to plan for some time apart, even if it means sitting at separate tables in a restaurant for a while. Another way to get alone time is by bringing an enjoyable individual activity to  do sitting side by side ( a kind of on your own together) such as reading a book, listening to movies or music, knitting, drawing or painting.
3. As the inevitable disagreements arise, make time to chill out before talking over and resolving the difficulty. One chill out technique which you can start before leaving home is to focus on your breathing and gradually breathe deeply and easily into your belly (diaphragm) and do this for three to five minutes. Even a few seconds of this can calm your tension. The more you use this, the better you become at it, so start right now. It’s like learning to play an instrument… lots of practice makes for improvement. Make sure you come back to one another to work out the issue to clear the air. Unaddressed matters can ferment underneath and come out later.
4. Focus on the positive of what you are experiencing. This can be a particular challenge if you are in a place where language, culture and customs are different. Remind yourself of why you chose this vacation and make the most of a new experience, which does involve discomfort and fun in varying degrees.
5. And if everything goes sideways, make your best efforts to work out the issues and focus on what you have gained from the experience of this time. Not all holidays are the stuff of dreams.

The main point is to anticipate possible stressors on your relationships before you go on vacation and deal with them as much as possible before leaving home. Recognize that conflict is normal and that difficulties come up, even when you are visiting the most beautiful places in the world. Make a plan for handling these and remember to take steps to make your vacation a positive, memorable experience. If it is not, chock it up to experience and learn from it for the next time.