What is work?

Work involves the application of physical or mental effort, skills, knowledge or other personal resources, usually involves commitment over time, and has connotations of effort and a need to labour or exert oneself (Warr 1987; OECD 2003). Work is not only ‘a job’ or paid employment, but includes unpaid or voluntary work, education and training, family responsibilities and caring.

Why is work-life balance important?

Work Life balance is important because we all need to do some work throughout our lives, paid, unpaid, family support or education. For some people it is a means to an end; for other’s work is a big source of meaning. Many fall in between these two. I’d like to invite you to put some perspective on work to help us look at how our work factors into our lives.

What happens when there’s imbalance?
Work-life imbalance is a challenge for many, many people. A study by the career web site Vault.com revealed that 69% of respondents said that the amount of vacation time they receive is NOT sufficient. A study by the Families and Work Institute revealed that chronically overworked employees have an adverse effect on business outcomes. They are more likely to make mistakes, resent their employers, and resent co-workers for not working as hard as they do.

Multi-tasking is a key contributor to employees feeling overwhelmed. According to the Corporate Executive Board only 30% of employees feel they have a good work-life balance. A recent study among 50,000 global workers indicated that work-life balance ranked 2nd in importance after compensation.

Work is good for you???
There is a strong evidence base showing that work is generally good for physical and mental health and well-being. Worklessness is associated with poorer physical and mental health and well-being. Work can be therapeutic and can reverse the adverse health effects of unemployment. That is true for healthy people of working age, for many disabled people, for most people with common health problems and for retired individuals.

The provisos are that account must be taken of the nature and quality of work and its social context; jobs should be safe and accommodating. Overall, the beneficial effects of work outweigh the risks of work, and are greater than the harmful effects of long-term unemployment or prolonged sickness absence. Work is generally good for health and well-being.

What is work-life balance?
Work-life balance is the dynamic relationship between achievement and fulfillment, and the factors that influence our choices and decisions in these two areas. Here’s a link to Canadian Mental Health Associations quiz on work life balance. There are also Tips for Work Life Balance on that page.

Patricia’s Five Tips for Better Work-Life Balance:

1. Exercise regularly. Not only is exercise good for your mental and physical development, it combats the effects of daily stress. Canadian Physical activity recommendations are to achieve health benefits, adults aged 18 – 64 years should accumulate at least 150 minutes of moderate to vigorous physical activity per week, in bouts of 10 minutes or more. It is also beneficial to add muscle and bone strengthening activities using major muscle groups at least two days per week. More physical activity provides greater health benefits.
2. Sleep seven to eight hours per night. Getting consistent sleep restores us and is the “secret weapon” of high performers at work and in their lives. Elite athletes have found increasing their sleep to up to 10 hours per night improves their performance so you are in good company.
3. Have a morning routine. For the first hour of your day avoid checking your phone, emails, texts, Facebook page. Instead, use this time for planning your day and spend time on high priority tasks during this time. You are generally fresher and more able to focus to get more completed during this time.
4. Build in breaks during your day. These are shorter energizer breaks to be taken throughout your day, such as working for 25 minutes and taking five minutes doing something different; working for 50 minutes and taking a ten minute break or working two one hour periods with a half hour break. It can be helpful to use a timer to remind yourself to take the breaks. Such an approach can increase your energy and focus in order to be more productive throughout the day.
5. Know your why. Find your purpose and motivation for why you are doing the work you are doing Some purposes include serving others, being there for people or making a difference. This is something to revisit on an ongoing basis.

Step 1. Create a Worry Period

Pick a convenient time period, 20 to 30 minutes, and place at the same time each day. Ensure it is a place that is separate from your usual daily routine. Assign it for the worry period only. For example if you usually sit in your living room chair, perhaps go to a chair in your dining room. The point is to associate this time and location with your intention to worry.

Step 2. Postpone Your Worry

Carry a small notebook with you. When a worrying thought or feeling comes up, quickly jot it down. Then remind yourself that this worry will be addressed in the worry period when you have time and are in a better position to address it, that at this moment there are things that need your focus and attention. Shift your focus to what you are doing in the present moment, using mindfulness to assist you. Take immediate action to do something practical, positive, pleasant, active or nurturing. Worry is a persistent adversary, so gentle persistence measures are needed to counteract it.

Step 3. The Worry Period.

When your worry period arrives, settle yourself down and take some time to reflect on your day and the worries you had written down. Some things to keep in mind while doing this are to worry about things from your list if you feel you must. You do not need to worry about things that are on your list if they no longer bother you. If things from your list continue to worry you, ensure that you spend no longer that your planned worry time. It may be helpful to write down your worries at this time.

Step 4. Choose what you have control over

Toward the end of the worry period, look at your list of worries and divide them into two categories. Identify those over which you have some control or agency. Write the letter C beside them. Then identify those over which you have no control. Write the letters NC beside them. For example if your list includes worry about a work deadline, your boss’s treatment of you, how your coworkers think about you and the traffic on your ride home. You have most control over the steps toward the work deadline, but not the actual date. You have no control over your boss’s treatment of you, what your coworkers think about you or the traffic. In all of these you do have agency over how you respond to these things.

Step 5. Change What You Can Control

When you have selected what you do have control over, make a list of three things that you will do going forward to feel better about how you are dealing with the situation, even if there are things you have no control over.

Worry postponement may seem like a strange thing to do. It may seem like an effort to carry around a notepad to write down your worries during the day and schedule worry time. To start a new habit, it is important to do these things, but with this effort over time you will be able to do it more effectively. You may be surprised at how well you are able to do this even if you think you are not able to do so.

STEP 1. Prepare.

Notice your thoughts. Ask yourself, Would I like to be able to have choice about when they come up and when they can be set aside? Am I willing to invest short periods of time before I go to sleep, when I wake up and a few times throughout the day to instill a new, effective practice in my life?

It is helpful to say yes to these questions before taking the next step.

STEP 2. Think of a container.

If you have noticed how much your thoughts crowd in and you are willing to try something different with a small investment of time, then I ask you to think of a container, something that is real, but is out of your everyday attention. The container can be large or small and must have a method of closing.

Some ideas include a conference room with a door that can be shut, a safe, an attic with a latching door or a storage facility . Pick something that is relevant to you, but out of sight of daily awareness so that you are not continually reminded of what you are setting aside.

STEP 3. Imagine the container and let thoughts slip over to the container.

This is the part that takes some practice, but is also the fun part. In your mind select something that you wish to move over to your container. Or simply say to yourself let all the thoughts past, present and future that are not needed right now slide over, flow over or slip into your container. You might even thing of cradling the thought or feeling lovingly as you might a close friend, your child or partner and gently let it move over or be carried to the container and place it easily in it.

The key here is not to engage your thinking that says I’ll just put this over, shove it over or kick it over. While it is natural to want to get rid of troubling thoughts, this method simply of trying too hard aggravates them. The gentler imaginative process engages the creative right hemisphere that just lets it happen. Wait a little to see them easily move into the container. Some people visualize and see them moving over, while others feel it, sense it or get a sensation of relaxation or inner warmth as it slides over.

What is your experience?

First, what has you feeling warm and calm?

For me a fall ( and winter) ritual is among other things, drinking tea at night. Right now I’m enjoying a hot cup of vanilla cinnamon chai and listening to some jazz music. My fireplace is on and the salt lamp is glowing warmly. There’s something so elemental and soothing about tea, good music and the warmth of a fire.

Second, what helps you relax?

Something that I have been finding extremely useful for managing emotional stress is based in neurobiology. Dr. Rick Hanson, neuropsychologist and author of three books, Hardwiring Happiness, Just One Thing and Buddha’s Brain, describes three parts of the brain that are important to understand and corresponding actions for “taking in the good” so that we can increase our positive experience and settle the inherent, self protective fear activation of our reptilian brain or brain stem, the perception of lack fostered in our mammalian brain or precortex and the feeling of disconnectedness or isolation originating in the human brain or cortex. The process is called taking in the good and is defined in an acronym HEAL. H stands for have a positive experience, E means to enrich the experience, A means to absorb the positive and L is for linking the positive to the negative. It is akin to remembering and savoring positive experiences in a deliberate and effective way.

Thirdly, what are you doing for exercise?

Exercise has so many positive effects. It enhances well being, reduces stress and promotes longevity. It is not necessary to train for competitive events to have the benefits of regular cardiovascular exercise and strength training. Walking for thirty minutes three times per week is very helpful. Pilates is an exercise that I have found excellent for developing core and general body strength.?

So it is important to have “uber” self care when the daily stress increases and seasons change. Do what helps you feel warm and cared for, take in the good and do some regular exercise. My bonus strategy is to get sunlight directly in your eyes first thing in the morning, outside, not through a window or with your glasses on and go out walking in the daylight.

In contrast to the idyllic picture above, Mother Nature has served up record snowfalls this past winter (I’m a skier so I love them for the most part, but many do not) leading to record road closures outside Revelstoke, BC, rainfalls in the form of the worst floods in years in Manitoba, the terrible tsunami effects in Japan and fires burning down whole neighborhoods in Slave Lake, Alberta, not to mention the simply horrid spring that was really winter in disguise in the Bow Valley. So how do you cope with these vicious swings in something that affects all of us and that is completely out of our control to change?

Weather is one of those things that is talked about a lot and creates a great deal of negativity. Most of us do not have the option to relocate to a more stable, warm and welcoming climate. I even read somewhere on the internet that if Canadians did not have the weather to talk about, they would not have anything to talk about. So what to do? Think about it for yourself… How many conversations that you have with others revolve around the weather, good or bad? That’s a fair amount of time spent on something over which we have no control and yet impacts each one of us so significantly.

Here are some do’s for coping better with the uncontrollable events in our lives, such as the weather and natural disasters that have occurred in this past few months.

• Do identify what you do and do not have control over in such situations; most often all you have control over is how you  think, feel and act about the situation. To quote Henry Ford “If you think you can or think that you cannot, you areright”, meaning our thoughts about a situation can determine the outcome.
• Do realize that it is normal and natural to feel badly about  things outside your control. If, however, you dwell on this and start blaming the outside factors  for your feelings and thoughts, or dwell on negative thoughts and feelings, your life can become more difficult.
• Do realize that there is nothing that you can do about the weather. You can look at your own attitude and decide if your present attitude, thoughts and feelings arehelpful to you. You can make the deliberate change  to have more helpful thoughts, feelings and actions. These might include doing an enjoyable activity, spending time with friends or family. To help with the shift, take a five minute belly breathing session or simply place the image of a big STOP sign in your mind, followed by shifting to something different.
• Do make  a list of things that you like to think, see, do and play at so that whendifficult external situations arise you canrefocus  your energies in  a more positive direction and  feel better about yourself.
• Do what you can do with things such as naturaldisasters. You can donate money, time, old clothing and send positive thoughtsto the location.
• Do focus on what you are thankful for in yourlife and live according to what is important to you. You can refocus yourenergies on things over which you exert influence.
• Do look into using a SAD (Seasonal AffectiveDisorder) light as the sun heads south after June 21 in the northern hemisphereif you experience low energy, irritability, negative thought patterns andchanges in your sleep patterns as the summer progresses and fall approaches.

In sum, do put your energies where they will have the most positive effect for you. Choose this direction and refrain from focusing on things over which you have no control.

Today I will address what makes a successful relationship as outlined in Dr. John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. The information and approach can be beneficial to you in learning about the things you are doing well in your relationship and what needs improvement. I use the Gottman approach in couples’ work and the book is an excellent resource. I am going to give you a taste of the book and the approach.

The approach is research based, a first in the marital/couple therapy. Dr. Gottman discovered that there are distinct behaviors in couples who have a good relationship and those who have a poor relationship. Further, based upon these observations he compiled the information into seven principles, with two overarching themes. With these categories, Dr. Gottman could predict with 91% accuracy those couples who would stay together and those who would not stay together. It was an astonishing finding, which he then developed into strategies for relationship improvement, the content of the book and an effective approach for therapists to use in their practices. Not only did Dr.

Not only did Dr. Gottman debunk some myths about successful couples relationships, he also identified two areas to cover as the bases of a successful couples relationships and the single most corrosive characteristic leading to separation and divorce. For example one of the myths about successful relationships is that there are few if any arguments and that arguments are bad for the relationship. In contrast to this prevailing belief, he found that “even happily married couples can have screaming matches and loud arguments do not necessarily harm a marriage”. The two areas that are the basis of a successful relationship are : 1. The friendship between you and your spouse or partner; and 2. The ability of you and your partner to deal effectively with the inevitable conflict that arises in relationships over the mid and longer terms. The single most corrosive aspect of a relationship is contempt between the individuals, meaning the tendency to look down upon each other as less than oneself.

Dr. Gottman further broke down the two areas into seven principles as follows:

Principle #1. Enhance your love maps.
Principle #2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.
Principle #3. Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away.
Principle #4. Let Your Partner Influence You.
Principle #5. Solve Your Solvable Problems.
Principle #6. Overcome Gridlock.
Principle #7. Create Shared Meaning.

In each of the seven principles, Dr. Gottman gives explicit ways to help enhance the relationship and deal with the conflict. The friendship is enhanced by showing ongoing knowledge of and interest in the other person’s life, activities and work, catching your spouse doing positive things that you like and reminding yourself of his or her good qualities and being willing to connect with one another. The ability to address conflict effectively is enhanced by both partners being willing to be influenced by one another. As well, it is important for the couple to identify problems that are perpetual and unsolvable in the relationship, such as personality, preferences and family issues and and focus on solveable problems or things that can be changed. Each of the seven principles has a chapter of insights and exercises to learn and apply the strategies for improvement.

The book is a useful adjunct to any relationship and couples counselling. I hope this taste of “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman will inspire you to read the book to achieve a more successful relationship. It is available online at www.amazon.ca; www.gottmaninstitute.com; or check at your local library.

The process of writing and honing material for the website was a challenge, both positively and negatively.  My great website designer, Norja Vanderelst of Colour Infusion Web Design, was infinitely patient and had good humour with my careful, measured speed toward the process. That means I took a long time to write the content by virtue of putting it off and then had several rewrites. My friends Dr. Matt Graham and Kelly Green did the critique for me… And they’re still friends. Lol. It was overwhelming at times to figure out what to include so that it could be most helpful to you in deciding if my counselling services fit your needs. In the end, it was rewarding to go through the process.  I highly recommend it. And have Norja do a website for you and with you.

I have my practice both in Canmore and Calgary.

In Canmore: my practice is on Thursday evenings and Saturdays during the day at Ridgeview Medical Centre.

I am in Calgary on Wednesdays all day at Bow Valley Counselling and Mediation on the Second Floor, Suite  200,  2120 Kensington Road. I hope to meet you sometime. Now that the commercial is over I do have some thoughts to share about having a positive family or couple or friend holiday this summer… that is if we ever see some warm weather.

For this first information blog, I have some thoughts to share about summer vacations away from home and four ways to improve your chances of having an enjoyable time, free of meltdowns and/or relationship difficulties.

To make the most of your holiday time, in your planning include thoughts about how you will deal with spending more time together with family, friends, spouses and partners. This can be difficult because we all have the tendency to think that if we have a change of scenery, things with our relationships will improve automatically. This is not necessarily going to happen. I think one of the things that people can avoid planning for in their vacation time is the relationship matters that will come up during that time.

To have you have the best experience possible in your time away from your regular routine I have the following four tips:

1. Identify any relationship difficulties you are having currently and either clear them up prior to leaving on vacation or make time for talking about them while away.
2. Remember that it is possible to get too much of one another no matter how much you love and enjoy one another. Take some time to think about your trip, the amount of together time it will entail and to plan for some time apart, even if it means sitting at separate tables in a restaurant for a while. Another way to get alone time is by bringing an enjoyable individual activity to  do sitting side by side ( a kind of on your own together) such as reading a book, listening to movies or music, knitting, drawing or painting.
3. As the inevitable disagreements arise, make time to chill out before talking over and resolving the difficulty. One chill out technique which you can start before leaving home is to focus on your breathing and gradually breathe deeply and easily into your belly (diaphragm) and do this for three to five minutes. Even a few seconds of this can calm your tension. The more you use this, the better you become at it, so start right now. It’s like learning to play an instrument… lots of practice makes for improvement. Make sure you come back to one another to work out the issue to clear the air. Unaddressed matters can ferment underneath and come out later.
4. Focus on the positive of what you are experiencing. This can be a particular challenge if you are in a place where language, culture and customs are different. Remind yourself of why you chose this vacation and make the most of a new experience, which does involve discomfort and fun in varying degrees.
5. And if everything goes sideways, make your best efforts to work out the issues and focus on what you have gained from the experience of this time. Not all holidays are the stuff of dreams.

The main point is to anticipate possible stressors on your relationships before you go on vacation and deal with them as much as possible before leaving home. Recognize that conflict is normal and that difficulties come up, even when you are visiting the most beautiful places in the world. Make a plan for handling these and remember to take steps to make your vacation a positive, memorable experience. If it is not, chock it up to experience and learn from it for the next time.

There has been a lot of research done on happiness. What is it? How do we get it? As we enter this time of year in which we all hope and intend to feel happy, I invite you to consider your happiness, what creates it, what sustains it and how do you get it back when it goes away.

Do you feel entitled to be happy? Are you worthy of happiness? All these questions and many more can also be what you think about as you go about your “holiday time” of year.

What has made me happy so far today and it’s only 7 a.m.?

I love the 800 thread count sheets on my bed as I snuggled in them. I love that another day has come. I have a great morning routine. I get my breakfast ready. I went outside in the cool magical morning mountain air.  The East End of Mt. Rundle was reflected in the still water on Spring Creek.

Once back, I sat down at my desk to write this article. I looked at photos to inspire me. I listened to my two favorite Leonard Cohen songs, Hallelujah and Anthem. I particularly love the words in Anthem, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in. So much meaning to that. No one is perfect and we all have things that have hurt us, but that place where the crack is, the broken heart, the wounded emotions is exactly where the light of newness and change can heal. Doing my morning writing is a key part of my happiness and creativity.

So what is happiness for you?

Below is some very interesting information on how to be happy by researcher, Dr. Sonjia Lyubomirsky, author of a very important book on the science of happiness entitled The How of Happiness.

The How of Happiness

I came across a researcher, Sonjia Lyubomirsky, who has explored the science of happiness and come up with evidence based commonalities that make up happiness.  In her book, The How of Happiness, she goes through what constitutes happiness and statistically proven practical suggestions of how to attain/obtain it. And the very best part is she has put together a song, a rap song that is an outline of the book. It is the science of happiness in a song.

The book is based on two premises:

1. Happiness is worth striving for, and
2. While 50% of our happiness is genetically determined, only 10% is related to circumstances and 40% is self determined.

It is designed to give you the strategies to take control of the 40%.

Here are the twelve happiness hacks she gives:

1. Gratitude
2. Cultivating Optimism
3. Stop overthinking; ask yourself will it matter in a year
4. Acts of kindness
5. Nurturing social relationships
6. Writing 20 minutes three times weekly to heal emotional pain
7. Being able to forgive
8. Increasing flow experiences to be in the moment
9. Savor the joys of life
10. Commit to your goals
11. Have a spiritual practice
12. Physical activity 30 minutes a day; Daily meditation and act happy, fake it till you make it.

What things on this list of evidence based strategies are you doing and how do you feel when you’re doing them?  We will be focusing on some of the specific strategies in the coming weeks to encourage you to adopt them in your day to day life and have you get more fun and enjoyment of your  your summer time that will carry forward after.