The Do’s of Coping with the Uncontrollable – Bad Weather

Posted on July 14, 2011 by admin

Today is a sunny and warm day.
The sky is so very blue. The white puffy clouds are bouncing across the sky.
The higher thin whisps of cloud are lazily streaked on the blue. The mountains
seem cut into the sky.   The thought
enters my mind, “I think it’s summer”. That’s a rare thought in this mountain town.  It’s amazing how good I feel just
sitting on my balcony, basking in this warm, slightly breezy hug. Ahhhhh…I
think most of us feel better when there is this type of weather. Do you?

In contrast to the idyllic
picture above,  Mother Nature has served
up record snowfalls this past winter (I’m a skier so I love them for the most
part, but many do not) leading to record road closures outside Revelstoke, BC,
rainfalls in the form of the worst floods in years in Manitoba, the terrible
tsunami effects in Japan  and fires burning
down whole neighborhoods in  Slave Lake, Alberta,
not to mention the simply horrid spring that was really winter  in disguise in the Bow Valley. So how do you
cope with these vicious swings in something that affects all of us and that is
completely out of our control to change?

Weather is one of those things
that is talked about a lot and creates a great deal of negativity.  Most of us do not
have the option  to relocate to a more
stable, warm and welcoming climate. I even read somewhere on the internet that
if Canadians did not have the weather to talk about, they would not have
anything to talk about. So what to do? Think about it for yourself… How many
conversations that you have with others
revolve around the weather, good or bad?  That’s a fair amount of time
spent on something over which we have no control and yet impacts each one of us
so significantly.

Here are some do’s for coping better with the uncontrollable
events in our lives, such as the weather and natural disasters that have
occurred in this past few months.

  • Do identify what you do and do not have control over in such situations; most often all you have control over is how you  think, feel and act about the situation. To quote Henry Ford “If you think you can or think that you cannot, you are
    right”, meaning our thoughts about a situation can determine the outcome.
  • Do realize that it is normal and natural to feel badly about  things outside your control. If, however, you dwell on this and start blaming the outside factors  for your feelings and thoughts, or dwell on negative thoughts and feelings, your life can become more difficult.
  • Do realize that there is nothing that you can do about the weather. You can look at your own attitude and decide if your present attitude, thoughts and feelings are
    helpful to you. You can make the deliberate change  to have more helpful thoughts, feelings and actions. These might include doing an enjoyable activity, spending time with friends or family. To help with the shift, take a five minute belly breathing session or simply place the image of a big STOP sign in your mind, followed by shifting to something different.
  • Do make  a list of things that you like to think, see, do and play at so that when
    difficult external situations arise you can
    refocus  your energies in  a more positive direction and  feel better about yourself.
  • Do what you can do with things such as natural
    disasters. You can donate money, time, old clothing and send positive thoughts
    to the location.
  • Do focus on what you are thankful for in your
    life and live according to what is important to you. You can refocus your
    energies on things over which you exert influence.
  • Do look into using a SAD (Seasonal Affective
    Disorder) light as the sun heads south after June 21 in the northern hemisphere
    if you experience low energy, irritability, negative thought patterns and
    changes in your sleep patterns as the summer progresses and fall approaches.

In sum, do put your energies where they will have the most positive effect for you. Choose this direction and refrain from focusing on things over which you have no control.

 

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What is EMDR and How Can It Help you?

Posted on July 7, 2011 by admin

fI would like to give you an introduction to this exciting and effective approach in my practice that can make your counselling experience more efficient and effective.
EMDR is an acronym that stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is also known as eye movement therapy or accelerated processing. In 1987, Dr. Francine Shapiro made a chance discovery that has been developed over the years into an effective mainstream treatment option based in research on posttraumatic stress and endorsed by the American Psychological Association.
EMDR is a brain based approach for reprocessing disturbing emotional content from immediate memory to long term memory. EMDR involves an eight step standardized procedure. It starts with a thorough history taking with a focus on early trauma that might be connected with the present difficulty. Once the background information is taken and the targets for reprocessing are identified in conjunction with you, there is less talking involved than with a traditional counselling approach.
At this point the focus is on becoming aware of how and where your feelings, worries and anxieties locate themselves in your body. By focusing both on the your body sensation and eye movements the emotional response tends to be reduced. The focussing activates both sides of your brain and is done either by watching a pen moved from side to side in your field of vision, or you holding a tapping device which produces physical sensations in each hand or side of the body. The actual brain reprocessing activates the components of your disturbing memory or memories which negatively impact(s) your life. Once the processing is completed, the difficult memory or “in your face” emotion is more like a postage stamp memory, rather than a large picture right in front of your eyes. The number of sessions you might require depends upon your particular circumstances, personal history and present coping mechanisms. It is a process that is completely under your control and there is no way to do it wrongly. It is suitable for all ages.
EMDR is a process not a technique. It unfolds according to your individual needs, history, emotional resources and issues. It assists in the development of the individual in the context of the therapeutic relationship with the counsellor. EMDR is applicable to addressing many areas of difficulty you experience such as depression, anxiety, anger, addictions, chronic pain, and early childhood trauma, including physical and sexual abuse. It is also helpful in reducing or eliminating barriers to best performance in sports, public speaking, self confidence and effective work and task completion.
For example, if you witness or are involved in a car accident, it is natural to have disturbing memories, perhaps difficulty sleeping and nightmares, odd body sensations and emotional reactivity. If these last longer than three to four weeks, EMDR can be helpful for you to reduce these interferences in your daily life and regain calmness and improved day to day functioning.
I remember when I was about twelve years old, I saw an older woman, crossing a busy street, struck down with a front end loader. I was very upset. Because my family was not the type to have discussions about feelings, or perhaps I was simply too shocked to say anything at the time, I only came to terms with it through the use of EMDR as an adult. I have been able to let go of my guilt about not saying or doing anything about the situation at the time. In freeing up this memory and the emotional entanglement, I feel more at ease about the situation and understanding that as a child I would not have known what to do and that it was not my fault.

If you are interested in this approach please contact me. For further information, you can google EMDR or go to www.emdria.org or www.emdr.ca .

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Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work

Posted on June 17, 2011 by admin

In the previous blog on Tips to Better Vacations, I
mentioned that you may have  relationship
challenges arise on vacations by virtue of spending more time together and
being out of the regular routine.

Today I will address what makes a
successful relationship as outlined in Dr.
John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”.
The information and approach can be  beneficial to you in learning about the things
you are doing well in your relationship and what needs improvement. I use the
Gottman approach in  couples’ work and
the book is an excellent resource. I  am
going to give you a taste of the book and the approach.

The approach is research based, a
first in the marital/couple therapy.  Dr.
Gottman discovered that there are distinct behaviors in couples who have  a good relationship and those who have  a poor relationship. Further, based  upon these observations he compiled the
information into seven  principles, with
two overarching themes.  With these  categories, Dr. Gottman could predict with 91%
accuracy those couples who would stay together and those who would not stay
together. It was an astonishing finding, which he then developed into
strategies for relationship improvement,  the content of the book and an effective
approach for therapists to use in their practices. Not only did Dr.

Not only did Dr. Gottman debunk
some myths about successful couples relationships, he also identified  two areas to cover as the bases of a  successful couples relationships and the
single most corrosive characteristic leading to separation and divorce.  For example one of the myths about successful
relationships is that there are few if any arguments and that arguments are bad
for the relationship. In contrast to this prevailing belief, he found that
“even happily married couples can have screaming matches and loud arguments do
not necessarily harm a marriage”. The two areas that are the basis of a
successful relationship are : 1. The friendship between you and your spouse or
partner; and 2.  The ability of  you and your partner to  deal effectively with the inevitable conflict
that arises in relationships over the mid and longer terms. The single most
corrosive aspect of a relationship is  contempt between the individuals, meaning the
tendency to look down upon each other as less than oneself.

Dr. Gottman  further broke down the two areas into seven
principles as follows:

    Principle #1. Enhance your love maps.
    Principle #2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration.
    Principle #3. Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away.
    Principle #4. Let Your Partner Influence You.
    Principle #5. Solve Your Solvable Problems.
    Principle #6. Overcome Gridlock.
    Principle #7. Create Shared Meaning.

In each of the seven principles,
Dr. Gottman gives explicit ways to help enhance the relationship and deal with
the conflict. The friendship is enhanced by showing ongoing knowledge of and
interest in the other person’s life, activities and work, catching your spouse
doing positive things that you like and reminding yourself of his or her good
qualities and being willing to connect with one another. The ability to address
conflict effectively is enhanced by both partners being willing to be
influenced by one another. As well, it is important for the couple to identify problems
that are perpetual and unsolvable in the relationship, such as personality,
preferences and family issues and  and
focus on solveable problems  or things
that can be changed. Each of the seven principles has a chapter of insights and
exercises to learn and apply the strategies for improvement.

The book is a useful adjunct to
any relationship and couples counselling.
I hope this taste of “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John
Gottman will inspire you to read the book to achieve a more successful
relationship. It is available online at www.amazon.ca; www.gottmaninstitute.com;
or check at your local library.

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Welcome & Tips for a better Vacation Experience

Posted on May 26, 2011 by admin

Welcome everyone. I have recently returned to private practice both in Canmore and Calgary. This is my official first blog and the launch of my website. The website and blogs are intended to be a venue for sharing information and ideas. I will be writing regularly and look forward to hearing from you on this. I hope this goes far and wide as I love hearing how you are doing.

The process of writing and honing material for the website was a challenge, both positively and negatively.  My great website designer, Norja Vanderelst of Colour Infusion Web Design, was infinitely patient and had good humour with my careful, measured speed toward the process. That means I took a long time to write the content by virtue of putting it off and then had several rewrites. My friends Dr. Matt Graham and Kelly Green did the critique for me… And they’re still friends. Lol. It was overwhelming at times to figure out what to include so that it could be most helpful to you in deciding if my counselling services fit your needs. In the end, it was rewarding to go through the process.  I highly recommend it. And have Norja do a website for you and with you.

I have my practice both in Canmore and Calgary.

In Canmore: my practice is on Thursday evenings and Saturdays during the day at Ridgeview Medical Centre.

I am in Calgary on Wednesdays all day at Bow Valley Counselling and Mediation on the Second Floor, Suite  200,  2120 Kensington Road. I hope to meet you sometime. Now that the commercial is over I do have some thoughts to share about having a positive family or couple or friend holiday this summer… that is if we ever see some warm weather.

For this first information blog, I have some thoughts to share about summer vacations away from home and four ways to improve your chances of having an enjoyable time, free of meltdowns and/or relationship difficulties.

To make the most of your holiday time, in your planning include thoughts about how you will deal with spending more time together with family, friends, spouses and partners. This can be difficult because we all have the tendency to think that if we have a change of scenery, things with our relationships will improve automatically. This is not necessarily going to happen. I think one of the things that people can avoid planning for in their vacation time is the relationship matters that will come up during that time.

To have you have the best experience possible in your time away from your regular routine I have the following four tips:

  1. Identify any relationship difficulties you are having currently and either clear them up prior to leaving on vacation or make time for talking about them while away.
  2. Remember that it is possible to get too much of one another no matter how much you love and enjoy one another. Take some time to think about your trip, the amount of together time it will entail and to plan for some time apart, even if it means sitting at separate tables in a restaurant for a while. Another way to get alone time is by bringing an enjoyable individual activity to  do sitting side by side ( a kind of on your own together) such as reading a book, listening to movies or music, knitting, drawing or painting.
  3. As the inevitable disagreements arise, make time to chill out before talking over and resolving the difficulty. One chill out technique which you can start before leaving home is to focus on your breathing and gradually breathe deeply and easily into your belly (diaphragm) and do this for three to five minutes. Even a few seconds of this can calm your tension. The more you use this, the better you become at it, so start right now. It’s like learning to play an instrument… lots of practice makes for improvement. Make sure you come back to one another to work out the issue to clear the air. Unaddressed matters can ferment underneath and come out later.
  4. Focus on the positive of what you are experiencing. This can be a particular challenge if you are in a place where language, culture and customs are different. Remind yourself of why you chose this vacation and make the most of a new experience, which does involve discomfort and fun in varying degrees.
  5. And if everything goes sideways, make your best efforts to work out the issues and focus on what you have gained from the experience of this time. Not all holidays are the stuff of dreams.

The main point is to anticipate possible stressors on your relationships before you go on vacation and deal with them as much as possible before leaving home. Recognize that conflict is normal and that difficulties come up, even when you are visiting the most beautiful places in the world. Make a plan for handling these and remember to take steps to make your vacation a positive, memorable experience. If it is not, chock it up to experience and learn from it for the next time.

For consultations with Patricia, please contact her at: Ph. 403.675.5379 or email

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